


Suing Through the Fourth Wall

by kijikun



Category: Cable and Deadpool
Genre: M/M, Yuletide 2009
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-15
Updated: 2012-05-15
Packaged: 2017-11-05 10:11:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/405260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kijikun/pseuds/kijikun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool would like to sue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suing Through the Fourth Wall

"You want what?" Jennifer Susan Walters, otherwise known as She-Hulk, had heard many -- interesting -- reasons for people wanting to sue other people in her days as a lawyer. She'd also had quite a few unusual clients but she had to admit that the person sitting in front of her might be the oddest. And that was putting it politely.

Wade Wilson, otherwise known as Deadpool -- otherwise known as the Merc with the Mouth -- otherwise known as a pain in the ass -- and a bit of a psycho, smiled at her. It was rather disconcerting. "I want to sue my fanfiction writers," he told her.

Then again, maybe it was his face that was disconcerting. Or the fact that he seemed to be a walking advertisement for himself. Did he design all that stuff on his own? She couldn't imagine there being a big market for Deadpool hats, jackets, and belts. "You want to sue your fanfic writers?" She repeated to make sure she had it clear. "You weren't kidding about smashing every brick in that fourth wall were you?"

"It blocks my view," Wade shrugged. "And my yellow boxes are allergic to it."

Jennifer sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Alright, I'll bite. Why do you want to sue your fanfiction writers? Granted, I've wanted too a time or two, not to mention some of my actual writers and artists."

"Hey, you were never drawn by Rob Liefeld," Wade pointed out. "I mean I had pouches everywhere and my muscles had muscles. And my feet! Why did he do that to my feet?"

Jennifer sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "I've been drawn by Land, so stop complaining. Now, why do you want to sue your fanfic writers?"

"I don't think Land watches the right kind of porn to draw me and Cable. Maybe I should send him some?" Wade babbled. "He'd still probably get it wrong -- just like my fanfic writers. They keep writing me vastly out of character -- I mean they get Nate pretty well, but writing a broody tough guy with daddy issues isn't hard. Those types are all over the place -- but I need a special touch, you know? And they just keep getting it wrong!"

"So you want to sue for defamation of character?" Jennifer raised an eyebrow. "Not that you could actually sue through the fourth wall, mind you, but I'm curious and it's been a slow day."

Wade pulled some pages seemingly out of nowhere. "It's all these -- smut fics of me and Nate. They've gotten it all wrong." He pointed to a page. "And right here-- right here - -what is this IKEA porn? It reads like plug and play which is so much more a Tony Stark thing... That's not even the worst of it -- "

"Look Mr. Wilson, we've all had bad fic written about us before. But you can't sue fourteen year old girls for writing you out of character and using bad spelling. I wish you could," Jennifer sighed. "I'd be suing 4chan."

"No -no look," He said, thrusting the pages at her. "Read a bit - you'll see -- it's like finding your head's been photo-shopped on a hot bikini wearing body -- not that mine has. My head just tends to get replaced with other people's heads -like Johnny Depp- why is that do you think? Don't they like, love my looks? But nooo they just want to 'shop Sarah Palin's head on a hot chick's body. She's not that hot -- nothing like my Bea --"

Jennifer resisted banging her head against her desk. It never helped.

"Wade, please." She looked at the pages out of curiosity. Then she blinked and read closer.

'Normally Wade would be demanding Nate to just put it in him, telling Nate that he could take it: 'healing factor remember', so it was new to have Wade just spread his legs further and buck into Nate's fingers. Wade gripped the rungs of the headboard, trying to hurry Nate's progress by thrusting back against the pressure inside him.'

Okay, Jennifer thought, that was kind of hot. "So, uhm, what seems to be the problem with any of these stories?" Jennifer asked him. "They seem rather... well written."

Deadpool paused mid-rant about how much better Bea was and if he could figure out Photoshop he'd so put her head on a hot bikini wearing body -- not that she needed it. "It's not the quality," he muttered. "It's the content."

Jennifer shuffled through the pages to another story.

'Wade gripped the rungs of the bed, panting and babbling. He arched his back to meet Nate's thrusts. Nate's teeth scrapped down his jaw and Wade whimpered in response. He tightened his legs around Nate's waist, pulling him tighter.

"You don't like being depicted as gay?"

Wade rolled his eyes. "You don't have to be gay to like, uhm -- no -- it's not the gay sex I want to sue about."

Jennifer glanced back at the papers she was holding, and tried not to flush. "Then, you object to being paired with Cable?"

Deadpool laughed. "Are you kidding? I might be crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to not want to be paired up with Nate! Have you seen him? It's like sex walking! And the things he can do with his TK..."

"I think that's boarding on TMI," Jennifer said, shifting in her chair. It was hard to resist not going back to reading the pages in front of her. Sure, it was Deadpool and Cable, but Wade had a point. Nathan Dayspring was easy on the eyes and Deadpool was probably very -- flexible. "What do you want to sue about if it isn't the quality, the gay sex, or the pairing?"

Wade frowned. "Isn't it obvious? I'm always the bottom!" He told her, waving his hands in the air. "In the stories -- I'm always the bottom in the fics -- not in real life. In those stories."

Jennifer opened her mouth, either to tell Wade to get the hell out of her office or to start laughing, when Nathan Dayspring strode through her office door. Which, thankfully, was open...

"Wade," the other man sighed, and then smiled at Jennifer. "Sorry, I'll get him out of your hair." He grabbed Wade by the arm and pulled him out of the chair.

"But I wasn't done --"

"Yes, you are," Nate told him.

"But -- "

"Wade, you can't sue the imaginary people in your head for something that's a fact," Nate was telling him as he pushed Wade out the door.

"I am not a bottom!"

"Wanna bet? Body slide by two."

Jennifer got up, crossed the room, and very firmly shut her office door. Going back to her desk, she settled in her chair and picked up the pages Wade had left. She shuffled through them until she found the beginning of one story and put her feet up on the desk. Comfortable, she started to read.


End file.
